Do You Ever Just....

I know. Don't even get me started. I have neglected you. I have been off the radar. I sincerely apologize. It's been months since I last posted a blog but that's because I have felt that I haven't had much to contribute these days. But today feels different.

It's interesting when you get inspired by other content creators. It feels like a surge of electricity throughout your whole body. And these days I have been feeling inspired by Corpse Husband (this ridiculously faceless and talented YouTuber - I'll provide his links at the end of this post).

How can I put it into words? It's like a Siren's call to the most hidden parts of you that you don't want to show the world. I've missed writing. This is the only way I know how to properly express myself and communicate all the chaos that's in my head. And believe me, it's a mess up in here.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting lately. Just going over who I am as a person and whether I've been honest with myself and what I want in life. But then again I'm not an ambitious person so I don't exactly have a clue what I want in regards to the bigger picture. Despite that, I try to listen closely to, not just what my life needs, but what my body needs as well. Because that's important too.

I guess it's easier to think of life as a whole rather than examining it fragment by fragment. And by this I mean the stages that we go through or the experiences and repeated experiences that come our way; like heart break, loss, attraction, surprise, excitement and being that someone new in certain situations. No two are the same. Ok at this point I'm probably talking gibberish bit in a way it all makes sense.

I'm almost thirty, I'm about to take on a second job, I don't have any kids (thankfully as I don't want any), have been in a loving and supportive relationship for five years going on six, and yet lately I've felt more nostalgia now than at any other point in my life.

Do you remember what it was like when you had your first crush? When you saw the person for the very first time and instantly you think, "Woah! Who are you?!" You know? That rush of adrenaline, the whole world doesn't seem visible any more, only this person. I miss that. And then you have the nervousness of the first kiss. I was fifteen when I had my first kiss. It was unexpected, a million and one thoughts racing through my mind, my stomach filled with butterflies and knots. It was exhilarating. As we get older, moments like those tend to lose their luster, the excitement isn't as intense, there's too much expectation because of outside influences (you know exactly what I'm talking about) and the giddiness...oh the giddy feeling...is what gives that excitement a bit more umph.

Teenage years are so awkward but we take for granted those "first time" moments. Although taking into account that not everyone's first time experience was a good one, but I guess in my case, it got the blood pumping, my heart racing and there were many angsty poems written about the guy responsible for all of this. Remind me to tell you about him one day.

This year has been a dumpster fire with unexpected explosions of disastrous proportions, caused us to go into lockdown, look inward instead of outward (because there was no going out for unnecessary things) and the reflection I've been doing these past few months has provided an opportunity to look at the obvious truth. I am not the same person I was when I first moved to Australia three years ago.

There is growth and regression. Highs and lows. And, like myself, I think this blog of mine is going to be changing. I want to start uploading bolder content, mature content, content that appeals to those who think they have to hide that side of themselves.

I used to write fan fiction and stopped because I didn't know where I could share it. But now I have this space. My own space. A space that I created and pay for. So this is where I will most likely feel free to be me.

I thank Corpse for giving me that little nudge. He has no damn clue who I am but I thank him anyway. If this change isn't something that you're going to be into then I'm sorry to see you go. But I'd rather stop wasting time with really basic shit.

C'est la vie.